Thursday, December 11, 2008

a new storm. . .

The madness of work and academia is gradually subsiding. This is my final week of grad school prior to Jonah’s arrival, and next Friday is my last day of work until January 5th. On one hand, I sigh- greatly relieved, yet on the other I cringe. The impending calm seems indicative of the coming of a new storm. . . one that is unfamiliar and unpredictable. . . Time is ticking, and I'm more aware than ever that in these days I must actively prepare to survive the inevitable rigors and challenges of parenthood, yet I’m not sure where to begin. My mind is spinning with the responsibility of nurturing new life. During the months preceding this one, I’ve sensed an overwhelming empowerment of the Divine and a subsequent confidence, expectancy and joy. Yet, during the past week I’ve been filled with doubt, primarily centered upon my ability and resources. The uncharted waters ahead beckon the deepest parts of me. . . my greatest longings, yet fear rises in response, crashing and thundering my soul. I long for the breath and warmth of this life that grows within me, for the day when, alas, he settles into my arms and nuzzles at my breast, yet an awareness of the technicalities preceding his arrival loom 'round me. I have nothing for him but love (and a few adorable outfits his dad and I couldn't resist). . . no bed, no diapers, no changing table, no car seat. . . not a blanket or stroller. . . the list is seemingly endless. These things will come, I know, but then there's labor and delivery and breastfeeding. The horror stories of dozens ring loudly in my brain, threatening my rose colored (prayerful) fantasy. Questions spawned by their stories torment me. . . c-sections and babies that can't latch, practically starving to death. . . What if this is my reality? What if the experiences I've hoped and prayed for are never mine? What if I can't . . . if he can't . . . What if?

4 comments:

Joey and Nikki said...

would love to talk with you... lets have an email date soon my friend...
what's your address?

ladyjfk said...

It's true - pondering the future can fill you with anxiety and dread - the endless possibilities of mistake, sidetracking, etc. You intellectually grasp that God holds your future (and your child's in His hands), you understand that God created your body, the baby inside, the breasts, the milk that they will hold, the intricate complexity of symbiosis that exists between you two, but it takes the day to day walking out and trusting to bring into your innermost being the confidence that comes from experience. It's a new adventure for every single mother and every single baby, every single time. But God has placed people on this earth to walk alongside you, people who have been called to a place of ministry to mothers, babies and fathers, too. Seek them out. Keep in the front of your mind that God mandated the multiplication of families, the purposeful work. Satan's curse was to make these two activites more difficult, to seduce us with wishful laziness and controlling desire. As you walk through this new adventure in life, I just know you will continue to offer to Him what He most desires - glory and gratitude!

April said...

Jessica...as much as all these stories can scare you and worry you..know that your story is going to be your own. Your own experiences and your own trials. Giving birth and having a baby is rarely what they make it out to be on TV...but the truth is that you have no idea what it's going to be like or what challenges (if any) it's going to bring. Trust in God that He is going to give you exactly what you are supposed to have and relish in the fact that everything is going to be a surprise! Even though i have done this before...i am also pondering the arrival of Toby and wondering if it's going to be a repeat of 2 years ago...which i pray is not the case...but there are some parts that were perfect and i am longing to sense those feelings again. You and Allen will be fine! God has given you this precious gift!! And trust me...you will get EVERYTHING you need for this little bundle of joy! EVERYTHING plus more! If you need to talk just email or call me and we can go through this jourey together! I can't believe how close we are!! It truely is amazing!

jacker said...

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